Tuesday, January 10, 2017

A New Start

As new years go, this one has been damn refreshing. A lot of firsts and a lot of happiness. Yet again I find myself annoyed at the fact that I can never find whatever it is I am looking for? I don't even know how to start.

 I spend most of my free hours with my boyfriend, just because we are about as new as 2017 is, and our time together is fleeting before school goes back in session. I don't worry about the space because I know that isnt going to be an issue, as they say distance makes the heart grow fonder. Though I wonder if it will convince me that being on my own is preferable. I sure as hell hope not. He and I see things pretty eye to eye. People tell me I'm an instigator. In his words, "You're a fired spark and I'm a powder keg." It sounds like a negative way to look at us, but in my eyes it just seems like we go together... We is like peas and carrots (Forrest Gump). He cried in front of me just the other day. I wasn't sure what to do, as in my experience those things called "feelings" are swept aside and forgotten before anyone can use them as your weakness. Not this time, though it may have started that way. I felt compelled, no- the want, to go to him. I wanted to be the one he wished to have by his side. I'm not sure that I was. He was crying for his mom. She'd died some years ago and a fresh cut like that, isn't the kind that is stitched by a hug and being told that its okay. Those are just bandages on a flesh wound, to keep out infection, but not to heal.

On that note, I feel like death is all around me. My anxiety about such a thing, doesn't help. Everything on this path reminds me of my own fleeting mortality. I see a child at the store and all I can think about is sorrow, mostly for myself. One day, I too will have completed the vicious cycle of procreation and have a child. I will care for it, feed it, spend years making it a decent person- turning it into the kind of individual I would like to be around. I'll make it educated and spend the rest of my life making sure that it is happy... I will spend my money and time focusing around its life, only to have it resent me for raising it how I had...But thats okay. The truly frightening thing, is that I will spend all this time on someone else, distracting myself from the fact that as their time is just beginning, mine is coming to an end. I'll forget how important it is to make my time count. I keep telling myself that there is something beyond what we can see. Somehow it makes the whole idea of dying a little easier, in fact, a lot easier. I think that if the advancements in technology could allow all those that die to be submerged into a form of virtual reality with all of the others that have passed, there wouldn't a be a doubt in my life anymore. I could live without fear. How sick is that? I'm paralyzed with fear. Death is like a huge cloud that looms over me, not in a depressing, negative way, but more of an ever constant assurance that no matter how far in life I may get, one day all things come to an end. If at that point I could be reassured without a shadow of a doubt that my mind would live on in some alternate way, I don't think I would be scared anymore. Its not the act of dying necessarily that bugs me as much as the act of no longer living. No longer experiencing the sun on my skin, the feeling of dense earth between my toes, or even the simple joy of laughter, could bring me to my knees. Its crippling. Now that being said, how can I live my life to the fullest, knowing that in the end, it will be like it never happened. Whether my life was good or bad, fulfilling or empty, sad or enthralled. I don't get the joy to remember it.

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